It’s the morning of my departure, June 8th 2011, and I’m contemplating facial hair artwork. Staring into the bathroom mirror, I feel like a solider ready for battle. My beard is a dense as Frotto’s forest in Lord of the Rings, and my blade is a like a dull weapon……………………….I already feel defeated.
I’m 25% British, 25% Welsh, and 50% Irish. I’m not 100% sure where I get my “I grow a lot of hair” gene, I’m just thankful it’s not Irish red. Just kidding, I love my Irish genes. When I tell people I drink 2 glasses of red wine a day, and they give me the ‘Jesus, you’re an alcoholic look’, I tell them I’m half Irish, and all of sudden I get a light hearted chuckle, and a pat on the back. Either way you look at it, I’m formed from copious amounts of European decent, it’s a cold climate up here, and body hair acts like a natural blanket of warmth.
My girlfriend gets out of the shower and sees me having a stare off with my beard.
Sophie: Babe, what are you doing?
Me: My face looks like it just had a head on collision with a squirrel, I’m going to attempt to shave, but I’m trying to figure out the best strategy.
Sophie: You act like you are going to have surgery.
Me: Have you ever shaved your face?
Sophie fires a look of disgust at my comment while I focus on my artillery. Hhmmm…bit of a predicament.
It’s like being on the front lines at Gettysburg and I have the pleasure of choosing to fight with a butter knife or a soup laydel. Seriously, these are my last 2 blades and both are completely dull. That green/white strip you see starts as a completely blinding neon green color, and fades to white through each shave. Instead of the neon green color fading to a plain white, I always thought it would be funny to have a message that begins to appear as the blade wears down. Something like “Dude, you’ve got balls if you shave with this dull blade” or “Are you fu”king crazy man! This blade is dull as sh%t”.
Typically, you can get 3 to 4 solid shaves out of each blade, depending on your strategy. I’m up to about 8 with each of these blades, because I hate buying replacements! In fact, the shaving blade monopoly that has transpired really chaps my ass. I challenge you to find me a pack of Gillette Mach3 blades of 6 for less than $20, these simple pieces of metal are costing a fortune. It’s monopolies like these that should be the first order of business on the next presidential campaign discussions. How can we fight against these greedy bastards? They know us hairy men need then, and they know we have to pay whatever they ask!
According to 97.8% of women, men can’t go unshaven anymore! They need to maintain, not only facial hair, but other bodily regions too! Women want smooth skin to rub up on nowadays, and it’s bullshit if you ask me. I don’t mind maintaining the speedo line, but I’m done shaving my chest!!!
In fact, I have a dream!!!!!!!! Just as bellbottom jeans and sideways pony tails of the 80′s have made a comeback, I dream the hair driven masculinity of that era will make a comeback too! A vision where chest hair is once again acceptable and appreciated. A vision where women drop their jaws upon visual recognition of a consistent flow of manhood through the top of an open shirt button. It will not only prevent expensive monopolies on shaving blades, it will replace the dignity that many hairy men have lost in shaving and aiming to please the opposite sex.
We can use “The Hoff” as our spokesman and lead these revolution just as Tunisia, Egypt and Libya have done! That is what they are revolting against right?
This being said, I went with the blade on the left, and decided to blend in with a French mustache. According to Vegas betting odds, the french mustache addition has seen considerable bets sway towards “Marrying a French woman” and “Getting shot at by a stranger for camping on his property.” Let’s see how this trip pans out! Feedback welcome!